THE GLORY THAT IS DAVID CUMMINGS
(No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message)
What do you get if you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your house back, your truck back, your dog back…
Isn¹t that a fitting observation in relation to the economic meltdown we find ourselves in? No, it¹s not actually. But we are all looking for some magic words that will explain the whole shebang so we can tuck our children up in bed with a feeling of security.
How about this: the answer is to work smarter not harder. That is nearly as stupid as playing a country song backwards.
The situation is an opportunity, not a problem. There¹s a dopey one. Here is the news, folks, it¹s a problem. You can¹t even call it a challenge, though we know you¹d love to.
Oh my goodness, have I nothing positive to say?
Just this, my friends. Amongst all the gloomies and doomies is a bright shaft of light called David Cummings. He may not solve any of your predicaments, but he will make you laugh long enough to forget them for half an hour or so.
Remember the name, David Cummings. Can you forget we¹ve said it, and will say it, often enough.
And now for even more useless wisdom.
Life is an endless struggle of frustrations and challenges but eventually you find a hairdresser you like.
Men like quiet women because they think they¹re listening.
Human beings have the unique ability to learn from the experience of others and a remarkable disinclination to do so.
Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way round.
At least a stalker is always there for you.
In a world where even Bill Clinton has had to cut his speaking fee down to $100,000 a pop, where can we find somebody cheap and cheerful for your podium? Let¹s not always see the same hands, please.
The answer is, of course, DC, who is less cheap, more inexpensive. Well less than $100,000 anyway.
Face it, David is always having a good day.
But let¹s be realistic, you may just possibly be having a bad day when:
€ A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
€ You take an assertiveness training course and you are afraid to tell your wife.
€ David Cummings is making his presentation for you and gets struck by lightning.
€ The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
€ Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
€ You stumble across David Cummings in the park comatose clutching a bottle of cheap whisky.
€ Your mother wraps your lunch in a road map.
€ David Cummings is bowing to a cheering audience when all of them are struck by lighting.
€ The bride¹s family throws rocks instead of rice.
€ Your plants do better when you don’t talk to them.
€ David Cummings sends you an SMS telling you it¹s all over and he is in love with somebody else.
€ Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
Read all about DC with moving pictures on http://www.hoax.com.au/
Feel better now? Let¹s make you feel even better and force-feed you some
jokettes:
My wife just got me into role-playing in the bedroom. I¹m playing the role of a celibate monk.
On the one hand I don¹t care what other people think of me. But on the other hand I want to be remembered as the man who didn¹t care what other people thought of him.
An MP has come out of retirement because he said he wants to spend less time with his family.
Follow that cab, Godzilla. And step on it.
My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
He said, ŒIt’s worth spending money on good amplifiers and speakers.¹
